Funny Quotes 

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- John Cleese

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin  

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":  1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course  

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."  

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm 

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James  

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.   Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson  

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance  

Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it. -- Philip K. Dick  

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.   All generalizations are bad.-- R. H. Grenier  

Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. -- Zall's First Law

Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet. -- Flucard's Corollary  

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. -- Russell Baker  

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. -- Lowery's Law  

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. -- Griffin's Thought  

The other line moves faster. -- Ettore's Observation

Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry  

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard Levinson  

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. -- Slous  

98% of all statistics are made up.   Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers  

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx  

Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -- Irene Peter  

Nobody goes there anymore--it's too crowded. -- Yogi Berra  

Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider  

Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. -- Albert Einstein

"I have just received the following telegram from my generous Daddy. It says, 'Dear Jack: Don't buy a single more vote than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.'" -- At a press conference prior to the 1960 election; JFK 

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you. -- Nancy Astor

"Drive - In banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners." -- E. Joseph Cossman 

"We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These Brief respites are called panic." -- Cullen Hightower  

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." -- Dolly Parton  

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." -- Woody Allen  

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." -- Peter Ustinov  

"Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson